Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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