I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
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Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
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it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.