girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
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I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"