The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
