I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
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I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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