I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
