So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
