Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
