Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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