He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
