five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
