Me too!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
