Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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