u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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