Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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