I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Sorry my hands just texted you
You made out with two different species that night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
