Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
