yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
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After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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