If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
