why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
