This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
