i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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