Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
