Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
