Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
