Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
