I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
