Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
