I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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