My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
