Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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