Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Randomize
