Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
