its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
