I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
