come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
