Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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