i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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