come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
