My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
