he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
