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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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