Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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