Don't make out with my wife yet
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
