Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
