so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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