Umm I'm too high to move.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
