shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
