Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
