Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
