Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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