im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
