she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
