david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
