i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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