So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
