Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
