I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
