Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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