i don't like sucking hair
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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