so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
