Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
